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Professor Safety Slogans

1- Lie about what will be on the final, not the midterm.  That way you can hide from the students easier.
2- The best way to be late for an examination review is to put some grease on your face and hands and talk about your flat tire.
3- To ward off angry students, pizza works nicely.
4- A big party thrown by a professor can stimulate much good will that can’t be purchased any other way.
5- The unsafe professor deliberately lies to students about testing material.
6- To keep students safe from tuition, fail half of them right off the bat.
7- The safest professor works in an easy grading department.
8- To be safe, avoid teaching weed out classes.
9- Office hours are only a suggested time that you might be there
10- To avoid students, have your assistant prepare the reviews for examinations that are prepared to fail most everyone.
11- Syllabus ambiguity allows for grade deflation without needing as much safety protocol.
12- A professor’s safety protocol should involve, being unlisted in the phone book, being unavailable, and hiring foreign teaching assistants.
13- The safest way to get research done is to have students do it for you.
14- Get exercise or the heart attack will come sooner than expected.
16- Living in one’s mind is the surest route to blow your top.
17- It’s safer to stay in a crowd, than be cornered alone by students.
18- The most attractive student poses the most security risks.
19- Hiding in a closet is as good as finding a Portobella Mushroom in the cafeteria.
20- Students that succeed by getting poor jobs are more of a risk than students that get good jobs.

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